I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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