At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
