just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
