Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
