Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
