my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
