I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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