I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
