its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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