i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
