tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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