Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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