and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
