Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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