he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
