I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
