im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
