New invention idea: vibrating tampons
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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