So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
