Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
