I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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