I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
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I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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