I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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