I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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