how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
