Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
