Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
