Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize