My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
