She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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