i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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