My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize