i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
