Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Life is so much better after having sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
