we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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