____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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