He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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