I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.