someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
