You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?