I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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