I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
