you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
