Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
