the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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