I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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