I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
