the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
