I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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