Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
