singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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