Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
