Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
