i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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