You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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