why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
do herpes really smell.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
