Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We are all done wearing pants today
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
