A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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