i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
