Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
