Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
do herpes really smell.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
