2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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