I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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